If I die

I've been living with the torture of feeling of suddenly dying and not being able to tell everybody how I felt. So I shall do it now, before anything happens. I have experienced the feeling of losing someone without trully knowing them...

so...

If I die, I want you to know that I died as a happy and fulfilled person. I was born in a loving family and I contiue to love my parents. I was also blessed with loving friends, who I continue to love. I was blessed with the ability to enjoy life, to understand people around me and to live in harmony with myself. I have accepted myself and I am living with no fear of death. If it is decided I will die before those who read this, then know that I accept the fact that I am just a part of a long chain of trials and errors that Nature has created.

So I would like, if I die before my beloved ones, for them to rest assure, I have lived a complex life. I felt joy and I felt suffering. I felt anger and I felt compasion. I felt fear and I felt courage. I felt enthusiasm and I felt defeat. I have felt, and I am grateful for that.

I thanked God every day for giving me the ability to see a new sunrise, to smell the fresh grapes in the morning, to listen to the crickets of the night, to feel the chill of a snowflake on my skin and most of all, to feel the warmth of the people who love me!

My last wish would be impossible maybe. But it will still be my last wish. After all the crying is over, I would like each and everyone of my beloved ones to think about the people who are alive around them. If there is someone they love beside them, then concentrate on the living and keep them close. If there is no one they love near them, then concentrate on bringing people closer. Remember me by my birth day and not by my "death day". Remember by laughing while crying, remember by not coming to my grave. I will not be anywhere near a graveyard if I die. I will be on the beach, enjoying the breeze. So you'd bring some chocolate and give it to the seagulls, I shall feed through them. And some manga, I'd probably study more Japanese while in Heaven - and be good at it :D

Enjoy life. Even if it's mizerable.

There are wonders in the dirt.

There are people to love, even during war.

There are gifts to ofer, even in poverty.

Just rethink the value you give to things.

Rethink the concept of happiness.

Reinvent yourself.

Cry with all your heart, because this means that you miss someone.

Laugh with all your heart, because soon you'll miss someone.

But enjoy both crying and laughing. Because they are both part of life.

If anything goes wrong, just think of it as a bad strategy, and rethink it, find other alternatives, keep searching. But don't sulk more than 3 days. The answer comes after a loong time, maybe filled with hair loss and nail biting :) but it will still come, because nothing is impossible. If you can't change someone, change yourself. If you can't change yourself, it's ok, change strategies, go back to the basics. Communicate. Be honest. Change something, but don't try to change others. Accept them or... accept them. And accept you. There are plenty of people out there, just like you. Just search for them. Don't dramatize. There is no "nobody" or "nothing" in this world. Ask physicists!

Anyway. I had not just one dream. I had several. I had big dreams and I had small dreams. But eventually, I chose to have no dream. Because dreams require sacrifices. Sacrifices hurt others, too, not just yourself. And I am unable to intentionally make others suffer. So I chose mediocrity. I chose to feel the bitterness of drinking a cheap beer in a dirty country, but with people that I laugh with. I chose to accept the gift of caring for many common people, than be the manager of a very famous one. I do not want to be an artist manager, nor a concert designer, nor to live in Canada, married to a Japanese (pletos, cine stie, cunoaste:P).

No! I love living in a dirty Romania, meeting new, interesting, kind-hearted people, frustrated youngsters, cowardly grown-ups and senile geezers. I love drinking water while craving for some expensive "fresh" orange juice. I love buying chocolate instead of bread. I love all the insecurity, the lack of opportunities, the unfairness. Because they made me who I am. Because they made the people that I love, the people who they are. Because We are all strong, smart and witty, thanks to this faulty system.

So I live as a happy person. And shall die happy.

What about you?