Work and love. Love and work. Both or none.

Hello guys,

I am sorry, I promised you I would write reguraly, but I didn't... and I don't even have a good excuse for it.
So you can just punish me later. I'll accept everything.
There are sooooo many things to talk about I don't even know where to start.
I haven't been keeping a journal because whatever I write is just bullshit with cherries on top.

I'm sorry guys.

I've been going back and forth from extreme happiness to extreme sadness.

I have nothing to complain about. Which actually makes things worse, as I am used to a Romanian "gaman shite, ganbatte, akiramenaide" mentality and I've landed into an oasis of psychological luxury in which nothing is terrible or at least challenging. People are great, although difficult to understand what they're really thinking or feeling, but they're nice people and I can somehow communicate with them.

I have no physical needs, as I have oishii food, soft water and I sleep well at night. I have a tv and a pc to keep me company when the room feels awefully quiet.

At my job I enjoy whatever I am doing, because nothing is too complicated or detailed or time-pressed.

I have recently realized that I actually have friends here that I can rely on, that support me and protect me.
And I thank them deeply for all they've done for me so far! I love them. I really do.

I have met only nice people so far, I have somehow integrated into the group at work, seeing that I also receive sweets when people share.

But I have only one more thing that's missing from my life, something so important that I can't continue to ignore for a long time.

A warm soul to keep my heart beating.

I wish I knew how this love thing works in Japan...

That's an interesting topic.

How do people meet if they work so much, and when they do go out they don't have the courage to engage in a conversation with new people...?
How do they fall in love?
How do they feel when they fall in love?
How do they act when they fall in love?
How do they show when they like someone?
How do I know when it's time to show my feelings?
How do they start dating?
How do they start a relationship?
How do they know if it's the right person?
What do they do if they find out that it's not the right one?
How do they split up?
How do they refuse you when they realize they were wrong?
How do I know if they don't feel it's right?

How do their love feels like?
Ntz......

!!!!!!!!!!!!!         >,<         !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't have these dilemmas if I had a proper dream or career to pursue, right?

I kind of feel like it is the time to find a man and follow him and decide together how we will move on with our lives... and I don't mean marriage, just create a future where we can move together in the same direction.
But I guess I have to either find a man fast, or decide my own life and think about love later.
Honestly I'd rather find a man first, but rushing would be stupid.

...

Oh.... is it ok if I fall in love?
Will anyone have an issue with me falling in love?
Would I look unprofessional and ungreatful for the chance that I have been given to work in a corporation?
Would it affect my work?
Would it break my current image into pieces?
Would I look stupid or weak?
Who can I talk with, concerning this matter???
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Will I look extremely RETARDED if I'd say that: if I don't develop a serious relationship here by the time my 6 months internship expires, I will go back to Romania and never return?
I most probably will...
But can you understand how I feel???

Oooooofffffff.... *sigh*.......



Lets just wait and see.



.... on the other hand.....

I was soooo much blessed to be able to be here, to be healthy and able to work, and to meet such wonderful people and being offered this amazing once-in-a-lifetime chance.... so how the fuck do I dare want more??!?!?!??!?!?!??!

I am sorry :( I will not ask for more than I already have.

I already LOVE my families.
My friends.
My co-workers.
My home country.
Japan.
My job.
My houses.
My life.
A man.

...

Good night.

Japan. Day 1. Later.

Why am I here? I ask myself.
What have I done to deserve this?
What do I have to do from now on to atone for this blessing?
How will I pay for it all?

The beauty, the love, the joy...

Nama Japan:

Toyota city is a bit like a modern country side.

It has fields, but it has tall buildings.

It smells incredible, there is a lot of green, few cars (all of them Toyotas of course), very polite drivers, many bicycles, small shops, karaoke, pachinko, ramen restaurants, kombini stores, cleaning shops, sake bars, and small hospitals.

It has small houses and it has huge blocks.

There's a little bit of everything.

And I live in an International Suite (aka dormitory), called Ohbayashi Kokusai Center (known as Oasis) with other hundreds of foreigners that come and go.

The guys at the front desk are incredibly polite and open-minded.

One day I was a little late and they even called me to ask me if I am ok and if I am going to work any time soon because it is late.

I gave them chocolate and now we talk every day.

To commute from Oasis to The Technical Center, it takes about 10 minutes by bus and 30 minutes by bycicle.

Oh, yes, I have my own bycicle, with which I role all day long (in my free time of course).

My dorm room is rather spacious, with a bedroom (normal bed, but sliding windows :P), a kitchen (incredibly small), a toilet, separated from the shower, in which I can enjoy long hours on the lovely electric toilet that cleans and massages my tooshie.

I also have a TV full of lovely Japanese channels, an airconditioner (oh so important during these incredibly HOT and HUMID early autumn days).

In order to understand how mushi-atsui it is here, try to remember how the air in the bathroom was after you've taken a really hot bath. 

It is suffocatingly hot and you sweat like a horse... and you can't do anything about it.

At least the water is clean.

The air doesn't feel polluted AT ALL, it smells rather nice actually, smells green and fresh, especially after a little rain.

And one more important thing here.

Streets are so incredibly clean, that it's actually creepy.

No stray dogs, no dirt, no dust, no nothing.

It's like walking in slippers inside your own home...

And I'm serious.

I'll make a picture of the streets one day.

...

So today I've greeted everyone at the office.

Now it's time to go home and take a well deserved nap.

I'll see you tomorrow!

... is the last phrase on this day's journal. I'll write some more next time.

Buh'bye.

Japan. Day 1.

And here I am.
Riding the wind in a 747.
I can see nothing but the clouds.
I can feel it in my chest how the plane is starting to descend.

They say Heaven  is in the sky.
But this time I feel as if Heaven is actually all about falling into the void full of sweet pleasures.

Remember how, when you dream, you feel like floating, and then when you wake up, you feel as if you fall into your own body?
The same thing happeneed to me when I started seeing the fine contour of the land beneath me.
Sukoshi zutsu, the lines are getting clearer, and I can see the detailes... boats... trees... other airplanes...

I can hear my  own heart beat, don, don,... don..... and then...

Closer and closer... closer to the ground... so close... my heart is about to explode....
All I can hear is the noise of the plane.

And then my breath stopped. I skipped a beat.

I can now feel the Japanese land under me...

I have reached Japan.

I can't believe it.

I have touched Heaven.
And it's real.
So real.

All I can think is that I have reached my dream.
Now whatever happens, I am not afraid of dying.
As I have lived a happy life.

Why?

Today people called to wish me "Many Years" :)

But today, all the people were sad.
I felt the bitterness in their voice.
Every phone call ended in a terribly fake "congratulations for finally reaching your dream".

No. I haven't reached my dream yet.
I'm going to Japan.
The journey to reach it continues.
It doesn't stop at the border.

People are feeling sad because they weren't able to become as free as me.
People think I am just lucky.
Too blessed to be part of their sad sad world.

I may be blessed, but I am not lacking problems.
I may have got the chance to achieve my dreams, but I am not lacking hardships.
I may not deserve to be happy, but I am not lacking pain.

I am just greatful for all the problems, harships and pain because they make me stronger.
They make me who I am, they make me want to fight more in order to achieve.
They make me feel like nothing is for free.
And NOTHING IS FOR FREE.

Please, please, pleaaase stop being disappointed of yourself.
Of the life you've got.
The ONLY diference between your mizerable existance and my oh-so-pretty-life is that I was always greatful to be mizerable.
By being greatful to poverty, mud, deaths of loved ones, pain, sickness and so on,
by being thankful for having hardships,
only this way can you move forward. and achieve.

Dare to dream.
Even if your dream means to become a cleaning lady,
become a cleaning lady with dignity!
Love your cleaning.
Love yourself cleaning.
Love the people you clean for.
Love the people who built the things you clean.
Love the people who criticize you for cleaning.
Tell them how stupid they are for not seeing how happy you are while cleaning.

Love is the answer to all the pain you feel.
Not smartness.
Not luck.

Love. And people. And the love for people.

Search the love of those who need it.
Give them your desired love.
They will give it back to you.

Be they people, be they things, be they nature's beings...
Love them. Appreciate them. SEE them for what their purpose really is in your life.

Jesus and Michael Jackson have died for our sins - so they say.
This thing called Religion was created to make people feel gratitude and love.
Don't believe it. Make your own religion.

My Religion is:
 my family,
 my friends,
 my land,
 my world,
 ME.

----------------------

Celebrate your birthday every year with great feast!
Because it is a way to be thankful that you were born.
Let people tell you Happy Birthday so they can feel greatful for your birth.
Let yourself be selfish one day a year!
You deserve it.

I am greatful because you are alive and reading this page.
I love you.

--------------------------------------

OH MY GOD, just do whatever you feel is true to you.
Don't be afraid to challenge something everyday!

Leave your idiot job if you hate it.
There are MILLIONS of other jobs that you can do.

Leave this country if you feel like it.
But keep your Romanian heart everywhere.
Don't feel sorry for those left behind, they love their current imperfect life...

Yell at the people who make you mad.
But by all means, APOLOGIZE after you do it!!
It's not that hard, you little brat, say "I - AM - SORRY"

Dont be afraid to care, to love, to dedicate your life to something AND LOSE IT afterwards.
The first lesson you learn when you are born is that "change and loss gives birth to better, more beautiful things".

And remember, post it on your car, your fridge, your window, your bed, your pen, your computern, your phone, your dick even:

LIFE IS AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU WANT IT TO BE.


-- period --

Happy Birthday to Me :)

In many cultures turning 18 means you are already an adult. Right...
In some, turning 20 gives you legal rights... to enter a bar without feeling too guilty :p

For me, turning 23 today feels like I am finally ready to call myself a full-fledged-adult.
Up 'till now I have been a spoiled child, enjoying a carefree life.

Otona ka...

Today, a few months before we enter the year of the Dragon, the sign I have been born into,
today I felt like my whole life so far has been a continuing blessing.
Not money, nor touchable riches have made me happy.

The people around me filled my life so much that....
...that if I die tomorrow, I want everybody to know I have no regrets.
I have lived a fulfilling life, I have loved and I have been loved.
I have learned that there is nothing more important than the people in your life.

I have cried rivers and I have laughed mountains.
I have enjoyed the Sunsets,
 the Sea,             the Stars,
 the Wind,           the Dust,
 the Rain,            the Trees,
 the Stage,          the Trains
 the Hugs,           the People,
 the Life,             the Death,

         the WORLD.

People die anyway, sooner or later.
But whenever my time will come, I will go with peace.

....

But anyway, 'till I die...

I have to go to the next Stage of my life:

Japan.

I will encounter the world I have craved for.
The stimuli will fill my senses untill they'd explode.
(hopefully not :p)
I shall share with you everything I learn.

This will be my legacy for the time being.

My experience.

My name is Bianca Ghitescu.
Remember my name.
 my face.
 my dream.

モテル男って・・・なんだろうな～

よし！
始めましょう！
頑張りますよ！

まず、私の宿題は何のためにですか？
１．生徒達のラブライフを改善するためですか？(Improve their love-life?)
２．研究のためですか？(For research?)
３．私の本当の感想を聞くためですか？(To find out my honest opinion?)
４．生徒達は有名になりたいからですか？ :) (To become famous?)

１。なら：　まず、下の質問、自分にしてください：
どんな女が好きですか？
あのタイプの女はどんな男すきですか？
僕は何が好きですか？
そして、自分のスタイルを見付けたらいいと思います。
好きな物は選んだスタイルで皆に見せればどうでしょ？
でも！
一番大切なことはこれです：　性格・態度。
もし、どんな性格がいいのは分からなかったら、ｊ－ドラマよく見て、ちょっとだけメインカラのまねして・・・んんん・・・
あそこは日本人の女のパーフェクト男が表しますので・・・

例：　ジョンさんの好きな女：かわいくて、子供らしい女です。
ジョンさんの好きなタイプのパーフェクト男のイメージはかっこよくて、彼に守ってもらいたいタイプです。
ジョンさんの好きな物は：カウボイ映画、山のぼり、カウントリーミュージク。
自分のスタイルはこれです：　カウボイハット、ブーツ、☆バッジ、ピストルライターなど。
いいポイントは：女を守り、ヒューモアがあり、ウィンクをしたり（－＿０）。とかね・・・

２．研究のためなら：　うん、ドラマよく見たら、いろんなスタイルきっと見付けられます。
そのスタイルの中で好きなファーションコンビが見付けられると思います。

３．なら。ビアは男らしい男あまりすきじゃないですから、大きな問題だかもしれませんや！
はは、ビアは女々しい男好きだからさ・・・長い髪の毛で、冷たい目で、ゴシックタイプならいいな～～・・・
普通の女はこんなタイプがあまりすきじゃないですから、ビアの感想はダメです！:))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pr6daLYdtfw

4.なら。有名になるように、女の期待にこたえたらいいじゃないですか？
これは皆の宿題です：女の期待はいったいなんだろう？
ｈｍｍ・・・ビアは女でも、全然分かりませんわ・・・ははは。

ま～、でもさ、何より、自分を発見する道に歩くとき、楽しんで忘れないでくださいね、創造を使って、メッセッジを表して、楽しんでよぉ！！ (Above everything else, while walking on the road of discovering your true self, don't forget to have fun, use your imagination and express yourself, HAVE FUN yo!)

Bonus: http://www.yesstyle.com/en/men.html

きらきらの人

きらきらの人って何？
What makes a person shine?

Personality?
Clothes?
Charisma?
Face?
Originality?
Talents?
Circumstance?
Spontaneity?
Friends?
Education?

I though about it.
Again and again and again.

I slept one hour.

Then I woke up.
And the answer came to me like a cold shower...
It's love.
Love, that's right, LOVE is what makes people "kira kira".
Start loving someone and they will start to shine.
It's not the other way around...

Mi-am tatuat un vitraliu pe piept
Ca sa-mi poti privi inima'n culori.
Imaginea ce'o vezi, insa, e doar iluzia
unei blasfemii.

Ieri ti-am pus fotografia
In acvariul cu rechini.
Azi scurg icrele din lacrimile lor
Au pastrat doar palmele tale.

Nu voi sti niciodata de ce membrana mea nu s-a topit la rugile tale.
Iarta-ma.
Mai da-mi o sansa sa-ti cuprind palmele.
Rechinii dorm.

Iubirea mea nu cunoaşte culoare.
Orice curcubeu duhneşte a alienare.

La negru mă deschid.

Albul înseamnă uitare.
Griul - mârşavă trădătoare.

Viata nu e o nuntă dintre ploaie şi soare.
Viata mea e o biată târâtoare.

Viata din mine moare.

Eu.

De ce?
Nu e nici cald, nici rece.
E si cald si rece.

Tu esti cald, in palme ai rece.
Eu nu stiu nici cald nici rece.
E zece.
Trece ora, trece.
Pieptul o sa-mi sece.
Soarele o sa ma-nnece.

888 de cercuri aztece.
incepe sa mi se-aplece.
nu-mi trece.

ma doare cald, ma doare rece.

Geamul meu refuza sa mai redea albastru.

Un joc. O vorba. Un sughit.
O cutie muzicala. Un şpriţ.
Pescuiesc in gaura din covorul tau.

Nici la robinet nu mai curge albastru.

Nu stiu nimic despre tine.
Te caut sub tine.
Te caut langa tine.
Te caut deasupra.
Te caut in patul tau.
Te caut in buzunarul tau.
Am pierdut compasul.

S-a evaporat albastrul.

Reflexia primaverii ma inteapa.

In somn, sangele e negativ.
Mazarea de sub saltea ma gadila
pe genunchi;
sau e doar abisul care se scurge prin rotula,
sau e doar unghia absinthului de'aseara,
sau e doar pura mea nestinghereala,
sunandu-mi ocupat.

Doar tulpina a mai ramas din frezie,
sucul ei e mica mea obsesie.

Taie'mi talpa si scuipa'mi seva.

Acasa e galben.
Sub unghii iar galben.
Galben in pahar.
Galben murdar.

Pata de pe cer e de un galben pal,
Dintele de metal e de un galben rar
Galben e si butonul
Care deschide chei.

Cheile au si ele camere secrete.

Miros de portocala acra;
Cade'n rotocoale
Peste clapele goale
Coaja sacra.

Pielea se despica,
Portocala plange
Plange greu
Se strica.

Unde a murit solfegiul,
De ce deget s-a spanzurat?

Apune dincolo de geam,
Visul portocalei.

Sub talpa noptii, grauri fumurii m-au devorat
Conturul mirosind a negru, l-au smuls
Acum sunt rosu si nu mai curg
Sunt praf
Sunt cancer.

Am atins luna, am manjit'o
A zambit
Acum ea curge, curge

Curge muzica prin luna.

Rosu rece, rosu crud, rosu stors
E praf de rosu peste tot
E cancer.

E spuma de rosu, e aer brun.

Nu ma mai simt.

Nu pot frate sa ma abtin