Work and love. Love and work. Both or none.

Hello guys,

I am sorry, I promised you I would write reguraly, but I didn't... and I don't even have a good excuse for it.
So you can just punish me later. I'll accept everything.
There are sooooo many things to talk about I don't even know where to start.
I haven't been keeping a journal because whatever I write is just bullshit with cherries on top.

I'm sorry guys.

I've been going back and forth from extreme happiness to extreme sadness.

I have nothing to complain about. Which actually makes things worse, as I am used to a Romanian "gaman shite, ganbatte, akiramenaide" mentality and I've landed into an oasis of psychological luxury in which nothing is terrible or at least challenging. People are great, although difficult to understand what they're really thinking or feeling, but they're nice people and I can somehow communicate with them.

I have no physical needs, as I have oishii food, soft water and I sleep well at night. I have a tv and a pc to keep me company when the room feels awefully quiet.

At my job I enjoy whatever I am doing, because nothing is too complicated or detailed or time-pressed.

I have recently realized that I actually have friends here that I can rely on, that support me and protect me.
And I thank them deeply for all they've done for me so far! I love them. I really do.

I have met only nice people so far, I have somehow integrated into the group at work, seeing that I also receive sweets when people share.

But I have only one more thing that's missing from my life, something so important that I can't continue to ignore for a long time.

A warm soul to keep my heart beating.

I wish I knew how this love thing works in Japan...

That's an interesting topic.

How do people meet if they work so much, and when they do go out they don't have the courage to engage in a conversation with new people...?
How do they fall in love?
How do they feel when they fall in love?
How do they act when they fall in love?
How do they show when they like someone?
How do I know when it's time to show my feelings?
How do they start dating?
How do they start a relationship?
How do they know if it's the right person?
What do they do if they find out that it's not the right one?
How do they split up?
How do they refuse you when they realize they were wrong?
How do I know if they don't feel it's right?

How do their love feels like?
Ntz......

!!!!!!!!!!!!!         >,<         !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't have these dilemmas if I had a proper dream or career to pursue, right?

I kind of feel like it is the time to find a man and follow him and decide together how we will move on with our lives... and I don't mean marriage, just create a future where we can move together in the same direction.
But I guess I have to either find a man fast, or decide my own life and think about love later.
Honestly I'd rather find a man first, but rushing would be stupid.

...

Oh.... is it ok if I fall in love?
Will anyone have an issue with me falling in love?
Would I look unprofessional and ungreatful for the chance that I have been given to work in a corporation?
Would it affect my work?
Would it break my current image into pieces?
Would I look stupid or weak?
Who can I talk with, concerning this matter???
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Will I look extremely RETARDED if I'd say that: if I don't develop a serious relationship here by the time my 6 months internship expires, I will go back to Romania and never return?
I most probably will...
But can you understand how I feel???

Oooooofffffff.... *sigh*.......



Lets just wait and see.



.... on the other hand.....

I was soooo much blessed to be able to be here, to be healthy and able to work, and to meet such wonderful people and being offered this amazing once-in-a-lifetime chance.... so how the fuck do I dare want more??!?!?!??!?!?!??!

I am sorry :( I will not ask for more than I already have.

I already LOVE my families.
My friends.
My co-workers.
My home country.
Japan.
My job.
My houses.
My life.
A man.

...

Good night.